A divorce can seem like a funeral that never ends, a processional made up of the daily death of one of the most important relationships in life. Often there is a concurrent loss of trust and friendship. When this happens, and there are children involved, it is critical for their well-being that the parents develop a fair, equitable, and compassionate system for managing the day to day aspects of working together to raise them.
Set a Standard
In order to make sure that negotiations regarding visitation, phone calls, expenses, medical treatments and bills, etc. continue to be carried out according to agreements made, it is not only helpful but often essential to have an objective standard that is outside the relationship that has been damaged. To make sure that fair, equitable, compassionate agreements are established, many people resort to court hearings and court appointed mediators, which may or may not have the anticipated outcome. Whether or not both parents are satisfied with the initial court orders or mediated agreements, adjustments and negotiation will continue to occur.
The Harvard Negotiation team has two excellent books that help to keep future negotiations from reaching the level of court battles: Getting Past No, and Getting to Yes. In both books, the authors stress the importance of using objective standards for reducing negative interactions. In the case of the small, repetitive events that make up families’ lives after divorce, such as parental phone calls, visitation, medical issues and school participation, keeping accurate, up-to-date records may be the only outside standard parents need in most cases. But the lack of these records can lead to hostile accusations, court hearings, and disastrously high legal bills. Most parents would agree that none of these situations are good for children.
The following plan, simple and straightforward, will help parents to set up and keep accurate and sufficient records. Most of the time, sharing these records will help parents avoid conflict. And in the event that an issue escalates, and the parents wind up in court, accurate records help lawyers and judges handle the case as efficiently as possible.
Step One: Setting up a System
Each relationship and each divorce settlement is different. Think about which elements of the court order or agreement are likely to cause stress or conflict for either parent, and consider what objective elements of the agreement can be quantified and recorded as facts. Tools you will need include:
a. Any court documents, visitation schedules and guidelines, and agreements from mediation or informal discussion (make sure to keep a written record of all informal agreements reached as well, in case either party forgets or denies them).
b. A calendar with large boxes for writing, in addition to any calendars in your planner, computer system, or palm pilot. Keeping the information about the children all in one place, in a form suitable for sharing with your ex-spouse, or a lawyer is crucial, and a back-up system is always wise.
c. An accurate watch. Check your car clock and clocks at home as well and keep them running on time. Arguments about time and lateness are common and though often minor, contribute to escalating conflict levels.
d. A telephone system, whether cell phone, ground line, or both, that records times, dates and caller numbers, as well as the numbers of the calls you make.
e. A notebook you can carry with you where you can record detailed timed and dated notes on events, meetings, and informal agreements reached.
f. Files for medical and school and other records, including living expenses, with expense records and copies of bills attached.
g. Forms from the post office for sending certified, return receipt mail.
h. A convenient way to keep copies of email communication over the long term.
Step Two: Using the System Consistently
After assembling these simple tools, the biggest hurdle is to get yourself to use them consistently. If there is a dispute over phone calls, it does not do much good to argue that you should have been able to call your child three times a week, and were only able to get through some of the time. It works much better to be able to state, “As my records show, I called on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays at the agreed upon time on the following dates and only got through twice.” It is even better if your phone records are detailed enough to back up your written claim. Remember to always record the circumstances, dates, times, places, people, and any issues involved. If you are uncertain what to record, you can ask yourself if you are answering the six questions, ‘who, what, when, where, why, and how.’
Similarly, if your ex-spouse claims that you never sent certain bills, or that he or she got them too late for the court ordered time for payment, it is much more convincing to show certified and return receipt mail-slips that show the time they were sent. These certifications are dictated by the post office’s standard, which is a fact-based standard, independent of the relationship. One mother, who had not been instructed to send bills through certified mail, nevertheless understood the importance of a ‘paper trail.’ She kept excellent records and receipts for medical bills, requesting printouts from each doctor’s office, and was able to recover six years of back medical payments from the father of her children.
Step Three: Create a Permanent Record
As the years go by, you will accumulate handwritten and computer records, and just when you think they may no longer be important, a conflict could escalate which requires all your records and your willpower to handle collecting and compiling them. While everyone may have the best of intentions about typing up and reorganizing all the records for the file system each year, many parents will find themselves too busy to make time to create new permanent files regularly. Fortunately, the most important things are often the simplest: just save your records in one place, where they can be found easily and used quickly. Reverse chronological order is frequently the most useful to you; if you must resort to a lawyer, he or she may prefer a different order. Be prepared to spend some time reorganizing your files to suit the lawyer’s needs. It is safer to create a full copy of all records, one organized for your own needs, and one for others, such as lawyers. It can be confusing to keep reorganizing the same set, and some records could get lost in the process. Always keep a copy of any records that you give to a lawyer; if you dispute the lawyer’s bills, he or she may be reluctant to give records back until you have paid in full.
If your ex-spouse sees that you keep detailed records, he or she may be more likely agree to cooperate more fully with the established agreements. He or she may also be more likely to back down in conflicts if your records can support your claims. If issues continue to escalate despite your best efforts, and you continue to see flare-ups of hostile emotion from your ex-spouse, you may have to go back to court. Your records will prove very valuable, and will literally save you hundreds and even thousands of dollars in legal expenses, and will reduce the time and likelihood of escalation in the contested issues.
The best reward for your consistency in record-keeping is that keeping the conflicts as limited as possible is truly better for your children in both the short run and the long run.
REFERENCES:
On Negotiation:
Fisher, Roger, Bruce M. Patton, and William L. Ury. 1991. Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreements Without Giving In. New York: Houghton Mifflin.
Ury, William. 1992. Getting Past No: Negotiating Your Way from Confrontation to Cooperation . New York: Bantam Books.
Ury, William. 2007. The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes. New York: Bantam Books.
On the Legal System:
Feinman, Jay M. 2000. Law 101: Everything You Need to Know about the American Legal System. New York: Oxford University Press.
Jaffe, Peter B., Nancy K.D. Lemon, and Samantha E. Poisson. 2003. Child Custody and Domestic Violence: A Call for Safety and Accountability. Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.
Krause, Harry D. 1995. Family Law in a Nutshell. St. Paul: West Publishing Co.
To learn more, see the following FamilyIQ courses: 
Divorce: Parent Education and Family Stabilization, Divorce: Co-Parent Communication, Divorce: The Initial Hurdles, Surviving Divorce
Author Catherine Knott, Ph.D., teaches Anthropology and Sociology for the University of Alaska on the Kenai Peninsula. She has a Ph.D. in Anthropology, Natural Resources, and Education from Cornell University and a B.A. from Yale University. Catherine has worked in International Development overseas and in the United States for many years. She and her three children enjoy the wilderness, as well as gardening, art, and writing, from their rural home in Alaska.
